Who am I hiding from?
My motivation has been squashed. Exercise seems to elude me more and more often, and so my stomach has ballooned into a large, bulbous mass that sickens me.
When I was growing up I was always a short, skinny fellow. I was involved in so many sports and other activities that kept me moving, I never had to worry about staying in shape. I ran cross-country. I ran track. I wrestled. I played soccer, tennis, basketball, baseball. I expended energy all day long, every day.
When I went to college I used all of my physical energy to play footbag (hacky sack). I played footbag for years, becoming pretty darn good and staying shape the whole time. Again, I made fun out of activities that kept me moving often, and I always remained physically fit.
About 10 years ago I hurt my ankle on 3 separate occasions within a very short period of time. I never sought any doctor opinions, nor did I attempt to rehabilitate the ankle. I never recovered from this injury, and to this day my ankle gives me all kinds of problems. The problems with my ankle made it so that I could not perform at footbag, and my lack of physical fitness made the hill toward physical activity that much more difficult to climb.
This marks the end of my active life so far, and I am struggling as a result.
The bottom line is that I have become more overweight than I could have ever expected. I look in the mirror and I suck in my stomach. When I buy pants I struggle over admitting to myself what size I truly need to buy. I sometimes buy pants that do not fit, and then I become more upset with myself.
My question is, who am I hiding from? Who do I think is judging me on how big my stomach is? Whose opinion am I afraid of?
Hiding is futile, as I realize that am trying to hide from myself. I lie to myself, and this perpetuates my problematic situation. I need to accept my current condition before I can do something about it. No matter how much I get mad at myself for having this problem, as long as I don’t fully embrace the problem, I can never fully rectify the situation.
I drive and notice that my stomach bulges beyond the seat belt, so I gnash my teeth. I slump in my chair at work and my stomach bulges toward the keyboard, so I gnash my teeth. I put on a pair of pants and take a deep breath as I test the strength of my top button, and so I gnash my teeth.
I look at my own failure to maintain my body, and I judge myself as incompetent. A healthy mind maintains a healthy body. If I am not careful, I will be fully convinced that I am a failure. I cannot let this happen.
Over the past couple of weeks I have begun taking Kung Fu, and I feel like I am genuinely doing something to better my situation. So far, I still dread going to class. My mind still sees the exercise time as a chore, though during class I don’t have this feeling at all. Tonight I will be attending my third class. Hopefully this will help me switch directions and start feeling better about myself. Writing this post is at least an acknowledgement of the problem. That’s a start.
David, be as loving and kind to yoursel as you are to everyone else. Perfection in not a requirement of life. The measure of a man is not his physical frame. It is something that cannot be seen or described. We always serve as our own harshest critics. We judge ourselves by comparing one or more aspects of our externality, with an ideal that is not of our own making. Our self-image is the product of an ego-based fantasy which has no basis in reality. We beat ourselves up all day long because we believe we are not enough…not fit enough, not strong enough, not rich enough, not good enough to measure up to that perfect image of who we believe we should be in order to deserve to be loved, or even just to measure up. When all along, we already are loved! You are just as you should be. Right now! JUST AS YOU ARE!!! Take this to the bank!
P.S. besides, if you succeed at being who other people think you should be, you fail at being who you really are.