Wakefulness
My body is restless, and this is nothing new at all. I have always had a very anxious body, hardly ever allowing myself to rest properly. I can remember being a very young child and wondering what everyone else thought about to help them fall asleep. In third grade I remember thinking of songs to make fun of my “friends”, which kept me in a jolly mood even though I was struggling to fall asleep; I was a terrible child. Later my fascination became the long grasses that grew by the kickball field. I would literally try to focus my mind solely on the tall grasses blowing in the breeze. If my mind wandered over toward the kickball field itself I would get angry. Kickball is active, and thinking of action is counterproductive when sleep is the goal. Of course, getting angry is probably far more counterproductive, but this is something that I’ve always felt was a bit beyond my control.
My father is notorious for having a short temper. Whether it be nurture or nature, I share his ability to boil over at what others believe to be nothing. Anger surges through me and I do everything that I can to contain it, but I can’t. I remain angry. Since I have been dealing with anger for my entire life and have seen and felt how it impacts others, I try not to allow the anger to be externalized. Most people think that I am calm and quiet – if only they knew the chaos that existed within me. One day there will be an explosion – Kaboom!